portrait of a lady
Thou hast committed — Fornication: but that was in another country, And besides, the wench is dead. The Jew of Malta I Among the smoke and fog of a December afternoon you have the scene arrange itself — as it will seem to do — with ‘I have saved this afternoon for you’; And four wax candles in the darkened room, four rings of light upon the ceiling overhead, an atmosphere of Juliet’s tomb prepared for all the things to be said, or left unsaid. We have been, let us say, to hear the latest Pole transmit the Preludes, through his hair and finger-tips. ‘So intimate, this Chopin, that I think his soul should be resurrected only among friends some two or three, who will not touch the bloom that is rubbed and questioned in the concert room.’ And so the conversation slips among velleities and carefully caught regrets through attenuated tones of violins mingled with remote cornets and begins. ‘You do not know how much they mean to me, my friends, and how, how rare and strange it is, to find in a life composed so much, so much of odds and ends, (For indeed I do not love it… you knew? you are not blind! How keen you are!) to find a friend who has these qualities, who has, and gives those qualities upon which friendship lives. How much it means that I say this to you — without these friendships — life, what cauchemar!’ Among the windings of the violins and the ariettes of cracked cornets inside my brain a dull tom-tom begins absurdly hammering a prelude of its own, capricious monotone that is at least one definite ‘false note.’ Let us take the air, in a tobacco trance, admire the monuments, discuss the late events, correct our watches by the public clocks. then sit for half an hour and drink our bocks. II Now that lilacs are in bloom she has a bowl of lilacs in her room and twists one in her fingers while she talks. ‘Ah, my friend, you do not know, you do not know what life is, you who hold it in your hands’; (Slowly twisting the lilac stalks) ‘You let it flow from you, you let it flow, and youth is cruel, and has no more remorse and smiles at situations which it cannot see.’ I smile, of course, and go on drinking tea. ‘Yet with these April sunsets, that somehow recall my buried life, and Paris in the Spring, I feel immeasurably at peace, and find the world to be wonderful and youthful, after all.’ The voice returns like the insistent out-of-tune of a broken violin on an August afternoon: ‘I am always sure that you understand my feelings, always sure that you feel, sure that across the gulf you reach your hand. You are invulnerable, you have no Achilles’ heel. You will go on, and when you have prevailed you can say: at this point many a one has failed. But what have I, but what have I, my friend, to give you, what can you receive from me? only the friendship and the sympathy of one about to reach her journey’s end. I shall sit here, serving tea to friends….’ I take my hat: how can I make a cowardly amends for what she has said to me? You will see me any morning in the park reading the comics and the sporting page. Particularly I remark an English countess goes upon the stage. A Greek was murdered at a Polish dance, another bank defaulter has confessed. I keep my countenance, I remain self-possessed except when a street-piano, mechanical and tired reiterates some worn-out common song with the smell of hyacinths across the garden recalling things that other people have desired. Are these ideas right or wrong? III The October night comes down; returning as before except for a slight sensation of being ill at ease I mount the stairs and turn the handle of the door and feel as if I had mounted on my hands and knees. ‘And so you are going abroad; and when do you return? but that’s a useless question. You hardly know when you are coming back, you will find so much to learn.’ My smile falls heavily among the bric-à-brac. ‘Perhaps you can write to me.’ My self-possession flares up for a second; This is as I had reckoned. ‘I have been wondering frequently of late (But our beginnings never know our ends!) why we have not developed into friends.’ I feel like one who smiles, and turning shall remark suddenly, his expression in a glass. My self-possession gutters; We are really in the dark. ‘For everybody said so, all our friends, they all were sure our feelings would relate so closely! I myself can hardly understand. We must leave it now to fate. You will write, at any rate. Perhaps it is not too late. I shall sit here, serving tea to friends.’ And I must borrow every changing shape to find expression… dance, dance like a dancing bear, cry like a parrot, chatter like an ape. Let us take the air, in a tobacco trance — Well! and what if she should die some afternoon, afternoon grey and smoky, evening yellow and rose; Should die and leave me sitting pen in hand with the smoke coming down above the housetops; doubtful, for a while not knowing what to feel or if I understand or whether wise or foolish, tardy or too soon… Would she not have the advantage, after all? This music is successful with a ‘dying fall’ now that we talk of dying — and should I have the right to smile?