Poem Analysis - The Night I Was Going To Die

Introduction: A Close Call with Existential Dread

Charles Bukowski's "The Night I Was Going To Die" is a stark and unflinching exploration of mortality and the human desire to cling to life. The poem, written in Bukowski's signature minimalist style, recounts a night of intense anxiety and near-death experience. The tone is initially heavy with dread, then shifts to desperate action, and finally settles into a weary acceptance, tinged with a hint of irony about his newfound attention.

Theme 1: Facing the Abyss of Mortality

The poem's central theme is mortality, presented in a visceral and immediate way. The "soul dropping down through the mattress" is a powerful image that embodies the feeling of life slipping away. This isn't a serene acceptance of death but a violent expulsion, a "dropping" that suggests a loss of control. The speaker's frantic actions – turning on all the lights – are a desperate attempt to push back against the encroaching darkness and affirm his existence. The line "I was almost too weak to walk" underscores the physical and emotional toll of confronting mortality. This physical weakness symbolizes the vulnerability that comes with acknowledging one's impermanence.

Theme 2: Isolation in the Face of Death

Another prominent theme is isolation. Despite the intensity of his experience, the speaker is utterly alone. "Nobody phoned, nobody came by with a beer, my girlfriend didn't phone." This lack of connection amplifies the feeling of dread. In a moment of existential crisis, he craves human contact, a simple gesture of support or acknowledgment. The absence of this connection emphasizes the solitary nature of death and the individual's struggle to confront it. The focus on the crickets' chirping as the only sound further reinforces this feeling of being utterly alone with his thoughts and fears.

Theme 3: The Ironic Value of Life After the Crisis

The poem explores the irony of attention gained after a crisis. The final stanza shifts in tone, introducing a sense of sardonic humor. "Now people come by / beating on the doors and windows / the phone rings / the phone rings again and again / I get great letters in the mail / hate letters and love letters." The speaker, who was utterly alone during his moment of crisis, is now inundated with attention. This sudden influx of contact highlights the fickle nature of human relationships and the often performative aspect of grief and admiration. The phrase "everything is the same again" is deeply ironic, as the speaker has clearly been changed by his experience, even if the external world seems unchanged. The superficiality of the attention he receives underscores the profound disconnect between the speaker's internal experience and the external world's reaction.

Symbolism: Light as a Metaphor for Life

The repeated act of turning on the lights serves as a powerful symbol. Light, in this context, represents consciousness, awareness, and the will to live. The speaker uses light to ward off the darkness of death, to assert his presence in the world. It's a physical manifestation of his internal struggle. The contrast between light and darkness underscores the battle between life and death, hope and despair. The image of the "first of the sun came through the window" confirms the victory of life, as light triumphs over the darkness of the night and the fear of death.

Conclusion: A Quiet Triumph Over Mortality

"The Night I Was Going To Die" is a raw and honest exploration of mortality, isolation, and the strange ironies of life. Bukowski's minimalist style and unflinching honesty create a powerful and relatable portrayal of a man confronting his own mortality. While the poem begins in a place of intense fear and vulnerability, it ultimately ends with a quiet triumph, not over death itself, but over the fear of it. The speaker's ability to confront his existential dread and ultimately return to a state of equilibrium suggests a resilience of the human spirit, even in the face of the inevitable.